I heart hot weather, not.

You might have seen this already. To some it's an email forward, but to me it's the story of this past year of my life.

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Living In The South

Dear Diary:

May 30th:
Just moved to the south... now this is a place that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with southern plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it’s kind of windy, though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer than I expected.

July 12th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson, though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

July 15th:
I missed Morgan our cat sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stunk up the $2,000 leather upholstery. The car now smells like kibbles and sh**s. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 18th:
The wind sucks! It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 20th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

July 24th:
It’s 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it’s about 95. Stupid repairman “fell” into my pool. I hate this stupid city.

July 28th:
If another wise-a** asks, “Hot enough for you today?”, I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

July 29th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in the ol’ car. I thought my bottom was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and butt. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried skin, and baked cat.

August 1st:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn place?? Water rationing will be next, so might as well watch $1700 worth of cactus just dry up and blow into the damn pool. Even the cactus can’t live in this damn heat.

August 4th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 105 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My husband had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Freaking South. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

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Yes, that last sentence is what I say to myself every day.

Not really, just some days. I really am terribly homesick, or rather, elsewhere-sick. I don't need to live in Chicago, per se, just not here. If we didn't have two years and three months left before the prepayment penalty is lifted on our mortgage, I would be begging Brad to leave. It would all be better if we felt like we were in a good church community. I know, I know, it takes time. I just wish it didn't. I don't like starting over, and I don't like change. Unless I thought of it first. And Florida, well, that was God's idea, or we wouldn't be down here. I did NOT think that one up.

Things are ok here-- nothing exciting to report. I'm going north for a girls' weekend with Mom and Sis-- can't wait to fly. Remind me to stock up on various gels and liquids so as to make the screeners here at Southwest Florida Regional Airport really earn those wings.

:)