A little better

Friends and family,

Thanks for your words of encouragement and comfort. I'm feeling a little better today after spending yesterday sad, realizing I've been "hanging in there" and "mustering up" pretty much since we got to this state. There's no more muster left in me, and losing this house was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm still angry at God-- I can't see his hand here and the last few things he's done show me he likes to say "ha ha, sucks to be you". "Here's a Honda Accord, the car you've wanted since you could drive. Oh, but now it's broken. Ah ha, sucks to be you!" "Here's a job in construction that you've wanted for a long time. Oh, but now you will forever be an office girl and never actually get promoted. Ah ha, sucks to be you." "Here's a house I want you to think is yours. It's your hope that you're getting out of Florida. Oh, I just gave it to someone else. Ah ha, sucks to be you."

I know somewhere that that is not who God is. But right now it's all I can see. I'm afraid to even think it-- it's pretty much the maddest I've ever been at God. I don't want to piss him off further and get smited and have to live all my frickin days in Florida. But I'm believing that he's bigger than my anger and maybe things will be ok eventually. In the meantime I've been reminded (thanks Mom, Steph, and Sam) to grieve. We've lost a lot this year and had our share of disappointments, and maybe we haven't fully grieved those losses. So I plan to spend the next joyous few days grieving. Irony.

I called a realtor this afternoon and left a message. We want to explore that route, even if we don't hire her for a little while. It just seems so costly, but maybe it's a necessary evil if we want to get out of here.

Tonight is a Christmas party put on by one of Brad's clients. Should be fun.