Estoy Cansado. Muy, muy cansado.

(I'm tired. Very, very tired.)

It's a good tired, like I've exerted myself and need recovery time. But last weekend it was a beat-up tired. Happy news is that things are looking up.

This semester I'm teaching at the university-- I've mentioned this already I think. I have sixteen classes per week, three on Tuesday, three on Thursday, five on Wednesday, five on Friday. Each class is 75 minutes, though I usually finish in less than 60. So there is some down time, but it makes for a lot of work! It's the only job I had last fall!

I'm also working as a coordinator for a tutoring company. It's a special kind of tut*oring situation, paid for by the No Ch*ild Left Beh*ind Act, where the t*utoring is free to the lowest performing students in the lowest-performing schools. Four years ago I would have been freaked out to drive in these neighborhoods, and now I'm hanging out in them, visiting schools, talking with the very parents I would fear if I met them on the street. It has been eye-opening, and really a lot of fun! It's like a big project-- build the tutor team, train them, recruit students, get the tutors started, and then monitor, observe, and coach the tutors. It's very interesting. But the company I work for is fledgling and local, which means it's very grassroots feeling. There is enough work for about five full time people right now, and we have less than three. I offered to come on full time and leave the university, but they were too busy to talk about that so I'm only part time... but since July things have been building. Add a little responsibility here, a little thing there. One more meeting, two more voicemails, three quick faxes, and a partridge in a pear tree. I told them I could give 20 hours per week. It's September 19th and I've put in 108 hours as of yesterday, just this month.

So last Saturday when my computer crashed, I did too. So funny how those things happened together, technology imitating life. I was on the phone, taking copious notes from my support person, begging for more training since I've had pretty much none, and the screen went blank. My notes were gone. My training was gone. My muster-up was gone.

I finally just broke down in tears, used very loud and foul language, and vented all my frustration to Brad and my one support person (who is having a baby in two weeks and will be no support for a while after). I feel under-appreciated and under-paid. I am overcommitted to this in my heart. My salary is that of an entry-level secretary, but my heart and time commitment has been that of an executive. That feels abusive. And actually, I am to blame as I allowed it to happen. I have to be responsible to say no, to take care of myself, to build in rest. I am learning great lessons through this, but it is not enough to warrant the self-neglect that has happened since July. It all just caved in on me when I had a conference call at 6 p.m. on a Saturday. Saturday! I need to rest a little!

So I wrote an email to my bosses, the founders of the company. (Never do this when you're still emotionally charged. You might use stronger language than is necessary. Oops.) They were not happy, as I let them know of a few roles I cannot play right now. My twenty hours per week has turned into nearly double that, and I simply cannot go on like this, working sixty to seventy hours a week. Which puts those responsibilities back on their frantic and overworked shoulders. But you know? I offered. I offered to come on full time, but they were too busy to respond to me, other than to tell me that that would be a god-send, but they can't afford to match my teaching salary, but "let's talk later" (it never happened).

So after a few tense conversations, including one last night where I tactfully vented a little to them about how their lack of preparation of handouts for a meeting has caused me about a hundred hours of paperwork follow-up, I am happier. We will check in weekly, at my request, to talk about my plan for the week and what I accomplished in the last week. I am released of two large responsibilities-- parent meetings (this has a huge preparation and follow-up list as well), and HR paperwork (I don't have the files, so this was cumbersome and ridiculously complicated as well). I am happier.

Brad has school all weekend, so since I will be missing him I may just sleep a lot. What a novel concept.